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A VISION 



Oftliodox Bekvei). 



''For on Friday all felons are hung upon earth, 
Then we jnake great accessions to heaimi ; 
Such simiers you ktiow we ?nake white as snoit. 
Last Friday we scooped thirtv-sei^en." 



Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1879, in ths ottioe of the 
Librarian of Congress at Washington, D. C. 



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ORTHODOX HEAVEN. 



A Vision. 



'Twas the dead of the night, the bells had struck one, 

Not a star in the dull sky was burning, 
As I on my piUow, tired, weary and worn, 

But sleepless, was restlessly turning. 
The days of my childhood I lived o'er again. 

And mem'ry brought each scene before me, 
Where passions unchecked youth's bright hopes had 
wrecked — 

Sad, sad were the thoughts that stole o'er me. 

But Sleep came at last, on my eyelids he breathed, 

And consciousness quick from me fled ; 
Then a vision he wrought, with terror 'twas fi-aught — 

I dreamt to the world I was dead. 
I thought that my spirit then freed from its clay, 

On the wings of the hght I had flown, 
Up, up to the stars, past Venus and Mars, 

Till I came to a region unknown. 

Then, in some way or other, I cannot teU how, 

The scene quickly changed in a trice ; 
I found that instead of being in bed, 

I was now at the saints' paradise — 
Old Orthodox Heaven, by sinners 'tis called, 

Where nought but good Christians are found ; 
No Cathohcs nor Quakers — no Parsees nor Shakers, 

You there will find runnin^f around. 



No Mahommedans, Jews — no poor Pagan souls, 

In that holy place can find shelter ; 
None but the select, the few, the elect — 

All others in hell fire must welter. 
I knocked at the gate called Narrow and Straight, 

And quickly it wide open flew ; 
A sentinel grand, with a harp in his hand, 

Then stopped me and said, " Who are you ?" 

" I'm a mortal from earth, just off for a day, 

And by way of a httle diversion, 
The earth was so hot, a ticket I got 

For a first-class celestial excursion." 
Then my ticket he punched, chalked a cross on my hat, 

Said, " Now, sir, I guess you're all right. 
You can go on youi- way, and stay here all day. 

But must leave, sir, before it is night." 

I thanked him most kindly, and walked straightway in, 

And the very first man I met there — 
I was fiUed with suspiise, could scarce b'Heve my £^i ( , 

Was our good friend, Saint William McNair. 
He'd a crown on his head, on his shoulders was slung 

A harj) of twenty-foui- karat gold ; 
He'd a club in his hand, round liis waist a big band, 

He looked, indeed, reckless and bold — 

That's bold for a saint, for they're generally meek ; 

But Bill was a first-class exception. 
He was pious and brave, to no passions a slave, 

Of liis vui:ues you have no conception. 
I found that aU spies, and iaformers too, 

Stood high ia the regions of bhss. 
Too <>ood for the eai-th, they have a new birth, 

And come quickly from your world to this, 



Beautiful heaven, with streets of pure gold, 

And curbstones of onyx most fine ; 
With houses of coral, built for the moral, 

Baptists and those in that hne. 
Evangehcal Christians they aU style themselves, 

Pious Methodists there may be seen, 
Presbyterians blue, and Calvinists too, 

On heaven will hold a first hen. 

I soon found Saint BiUy was Chief of PoHce — 

An appointment that doubtless seems queer. 
But on earth he won fame, in Old Zion a name, 

For putting down aU Sunday beer. 
He approached me at once, and immediately said, 

" I think, sir, I've seen you before, 
One Sunday at no :>n, in a Jersey saloon. 

As I peeped through a crack in the door." 

Then quickly I said, " Sir, 'tis aU. a mistake," 

And I showed him the cross on my hat ; 
" 'Twas some child of sin, for I never was in 

Any vile, wicked place such as that." 
"Beg pardon," he said, *'but I thought that your breath 

Of something or other smelt strong." 
" It's cloves, sir," I said, and bowed down my head ; 

" I hope I've committed no wrong." 

"By no means! by no means!" Saint BiUy repUed ; 

" To eat them is perfectly right. 
For I know not few of good Christians who 

Chew them when out late at night." 
Then I said, *'0h! great chief, of pious renown, 

Your city I feign would explore ; 
To see aU the sights, and aU the great lights. 

That dwell on this beautiful shore." 



6 



" You shall, sii-," he said ; " and now, to begin, 

Ignoeance lives in that house number four ; 
She's the mother, you see, of old Bigotry : 

Superstition and Faith hve next door. 
Old Faith has been bhnd for many a day ; 

Indeed, it has often been said 
The eyeless old dame has ne'er been the same 

Since Truth and young Science were wed." 

" That Science I wish he was roasting in heU, 

He daily is killing our cause, 
Assertmg our Bible is nought but a libel 
p On Nature's unchangeable laws." 
[^^" 1§^ ! yonder, that man with a brand in his hand, 
He SeiTetus burned, while on earth, 
John Cal^dn's his name, his method was flame, 
When he wished to give men a new bu'th." 

" But," said Saint Wilham, " its nearly high noon. 

And I think the best place we can go 
Is to Orthodox Haul, where we can see aU 

Sinners tried that come up from below; 
For aU the great men in this heavenly place 

To-day will be present at Covoct, 
'Tis Friday you see, and no doubt ther'll be, 

At the trials some fine Christian sport." 

" For on Friday all felons are hung upon earth, 

Then we make great accessions to heaven, 
Such sinners you know, we make white as snow, 

Last Friday we scooped thirty-seven. 
On that day the music is always the best. 

King David himself leads the choir ; 
You ought to hear him, when he's in good trim, 

Sinof his baUed caUed Mi's. Uriah." 



" I know that his son, old King Sol, will be there, 

Perhaps he will play a bone solo ; 
When the trials are o'er we'll go clo-^oi to the shore, 

And see Moses and Aaron play polo." 
To the High Coui-t of Heaven then quicldy we sped, 

The scene was impressive and grand, 
Every Saint wore a crown— the Chief Justice a frown, 

And each held a harp in his hand. 

Chief Justice Saint Mcllvaine opened the Court-, 

And cried, in a voice loud and sluill : 
" A sinner bring in, let the trials begin." 

The mjTraiidons answered, "We will." 
The first was a man, with a sanctified aii', 

WTio looked not a bit like a sinner, 
White chokered and bland, with a tract in his hand ; 

" Yom- name, sir?" "I'm called Abel Skinner." 

Then Mac took the ledger, and turned to his name, 

" Abel Skinner, your record looks bad ; 
You'd a post, sir, of tinist, and should have been just. 

But you stole all the funds the bank had. 
The widow and orphan you robbed here, I see — 

Of this there is not any doubt ; 
Pray, arise and explain — Was it, sii', for gain ? 

Please tell us how this came about ?" 

Abel hung down his head, and meekly repHed : 

" But much on our church, sii', I spent ; 
Satan tempted my soul — I jdelded and stole, 

But now, sir, I truly repent. 
One thousand to missions I gave every year, 

To convert the poor heathen people 
To our holy cause, and if I broke laws, 

I gave much to build our church steeple." 



8 

" A Methodist, sir, I have been all my life, 

Stood high in the Y. M. C. A. ; 
In prayer-meeting led, the Bible oft' read, 

Had worship at home every day ; 
Besides, sir, the money I took from the bank 

Belonged to the wicked and bad, 
Who hated our church — those I left in the lurch, 

And piously stole what they had." 

Mac smiled, and rephed, " All, all is explained ; 

I see you've done much for our cause. 
You're saved by your b'hef, although dubbed a thief ; 

You're a saint, sir, by Orthodox laws. 
Take a seat on my right, Saint Blanchard enrol 

His name with the saints of high grade — 
A legion quite grand, and known in this land 

As the Orthodox Casliiers' Brigade." 

'*Next, next!" cried the Justice, and quickly appeared 

A man, tall, consumptive and pale. 
" Your name and your age ?" cried Mac, in a rage. 

" I'm sixty ; my name is John Hale." 
Saint Mac then rose up, and said : " Mi*. Hale, 

This ledger proclaims you a sinner ; 
I think 'twould be well to send you to hell, 

And there let you wrestle your dinner. 

" But what have you to say? Speak out for yourself." 

John said : " I've been good to the poor ; 
The needy I clothed, hypocrisy loathed, 

And loved aU that was noble and pure. 
I paid all my debts, was honest and true ; 

Tried ever to do what was right ; 
Never Hed in my life ; loved children and wife ; 

Was temperate, and never got tight." 



9 



Then Saint Mcllvaine said : " Tiiis ledger liere shows 

Our miracles long you have doubted ; 
Every Sabbath you broke, said that asses ne'r spoke ; 

Raising men from the dead you have scouted. 
Don't you b'lieve that the sun and the moon once stood still ? 

That the story of Jonah is true — 
That in a big whale he once took a sail ?" 

" Your honor, I don't believe I do." 

" Not b'heve it ! — not b'heve it ! — to hell with him quick ! 

He never shall with the saints dwell. 
Put him out, fire liim out — ' Amen,' they all shout — 

We'll roast him and boil him in hell." 
The next was a German. Mac rose with a scowl : 

" Your business — what have you to say ?" 
" On earth I sell beer, mine heart it ish clear. 

For mine brewer I alvays did pay. 

I gave to dee sick, und to hoshpitals, too, 

Took care of mine kinder und fi-au ; 
I never make fight, I do vat ish right — 

Dat ish all vat I say, anyhow." 
Saint Mac then spoke out : " This Dutch sinner here 

Of wretches is one of the worst. 
He sold and di-ank beer, of church had no fear, 

He's accurs'd ! he's accurs'd ! he's accurs'd !" 

" I shpeak yust von vord, Saint Mac, ven you blease. 

Dairs Foster, dat Ford, und dat Yates, 
Ven dem ish dee kind of saints here I find, 

I runs quick to heU — vaii's the gates ? 
I sooner in hell vould burn up aU dee vile, 

Dan hve mit sooch fellows as dose. 
Fanatics dey call, mit no sense at aU ; 

Yah, I go dair mit out any clothes." 



10 



Then Saint Mac cried aloud : " Police, here ! Pohce ! 

Throw this wretch in the cauldrons of hell!" 
In a moment 'twas done, and Germany's son 

Shouted out : " Velcome, heU ! velcome, hell!" 
The next was a man whose neck had been broke, 

His misfortune was caused by a fall ; 
He looked very sad, as if he felt bad, 

He'd been dancing on nothing at all. 

" Your name said Saint Mac and how came you here ?" 

" On earth I was called Brother Cox; 
I went out to rob, but it proved a bad job. 

And I found myseK in a bad box; 
A woman I killed, aU her jewels I stole, 

And then the law makers killed me, 
But before I was sent I'd time to repent, 

I'm a Christian you plainly can see." 

" I b'heve in the Bible, I've been twice baptized, 

I've had both a spiinkle and dip, 
I prayed every night, I knew that was right. 

Oh ! I'm, sir, no sin-loving rip." 

" All right. Brother Cox, your records quite clear, 
You're a Saint now, as I am myseK ; 

Saint Ford hand him down a number one crown, 
You'll find one upon the top shelf." 

" On his shoulders put wings, now give him a hai*p. 

Erase that red mark from his neck, 
There now he's a saint, of sin there's no taint, 

For his carpet-bag give him a check; 
Saint Comstock will show om* new Saint to a seat, 

Saint Vosburgh his harp please attune. 
Faith grand and sublime atones for aU crime. 

To felons our creed's a cfi-eat boon." 



11 



" Now tune up your harps, your voices upraise, 

Saint David will please lead the choir, 
Let heaven loud ring, as our praises sing, 

Saint Chastine, you play the bass lyre." 
The hymn that they sung was impressive and grand. 

The chorus I ne'er shall forget, 
T'was sweet and sublime in short metre rhyme ; 

The end of each verse was you bet. 

Then I said to my saint, Billy McNair, 

"If these trials are o'er for the day, 
I'd like to see heU, and those that there dwell, 

That's if there is any safe way. 
" Oh, certainly ; certainly ! Just foUow me ; 

We can see it from yonder back door. 
This telescope here wiU make hell ajppear 

As if it were on the ground floor." 

I looked through the glass — oh, horrible sight! 

My senses I scarcely could beheve — 
Schalk playing euchre with Frederick the Great, 

With four Jacks and an ace up his sleeve. 
Old Huxley was driving a one-horse coupe. 

With pantaloons stuck in his boots ; 
While TyndaU and Zuhck, and SchiQer and Wii"z, 

Were smoking vile brimstone cheroots. 

BiU Shakespeare and Waldman were running a show 

Lord Byron was peddMng clams ; 
While Charley Courtois, that broth of a boy, 

Was making boned turkey of hams. 
Old Humboldt and Otto were playing croquet ; 

BiU Stansby was hunting a fan ; 
Gus Abeel and Voltaire were playing Soltau^e ; 

Cross and Geddicke both danced the Can-can. 



1-2 



Ben Butler was running a policy shop, 

Prince Bismarck a temperance saloon ; 
Ben Franklin and Douai were miming a Hue 

Of telegraph up to the moon. 
Napoleon and Webster were rowing a race, 

Tom Jefferson was the umpire ; 
Napoleon claimed foul, but Dan, with a growl, 

Called him a French frog-eating liar. 

Napoleon got mad|^ he raved and he tore, 

And swore Daniel's nose he would skin, 
But peace came about, when Csesar cried out, 

" Let's all take a cocktail of gin." 
They shook hands at once, and said the regard 

Each one of them had for the otlier 
Was deep and sincere, just as men and maids here. 

After fighting, oft hug one another. 

At this moment a hand on my shoulder I felt. 

Five hundred Saints gathered about, 
And old Parson Graves, of the Orthodox Braves, 

Cried aloud, chuck him out, throw him out, 
He's an unbelieving wretch that bigotry hates, 

He's one of the infidel cattle, 
I know him full well, quick, throw him in hell, 

'Gainst our creed he shall never more battle. 
They seized me at once, and gave me a pitch, 

I landed on my bedroom floor, 
I struck on my head, as I fell out of bed. 

My nightmare and vision were o'er. 






















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